Warning:  this post may smack melodramatic, and probably uses too many relationship/marriage analogies.

As a kid in Sunday School, the Bible story that most baffled me was Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac on God's altar.  There at the foot of a felt display board, staring at the paper cutout of a huge knife poised above Isaac's heart -- and a look of pure agony on Abraham's face -- I wondered why anybody would ever want or need to kill the person they loved most. 

I now relate to being in such an incomprehensible position.  Because today, I am killing my startup.  Why?

Because there aren't enough hours in the day.

Because my #1 priority right now is being a software apprentice.

My other #1 priority is an affiliate marketing startup that turns profit in the first year.

My other #1 priority is paint, carpet, tile, appliances & cabinetry.

Killing it is the only way to control my urge to work on it.  Shelving it wasn't enough.

Kind of like breaking up with a lover to save the marriage.

Choices must be made.

Does anyone want to know Not Why I killed my startup?  Well I'm going to tell you anyway:

I didn't kill it for lack of passion.  But alas, love alone is never enough, is it?

I didn't kill it for lack of customers.  We had early evangelists ready to pay for the product.

I didn't kill it for lack of team.  I was actively collaborating with an awesome UX designer (pro bono).  Was actively dating some pretty foxy tech co-founders.  And was blessed with a talented aspiring blogger ready to tear up the blogosphere.

I didn't kill it for lack of marketing.  We had a solid community strategy and blog network contacts.  We had a content plan that filled a missing need and excited our early evangelists.

I didn't kill it for lack of social proof.  We had a 500Startups adviser, and so-far-so-good feedback from 2 respected incubator folks.

Everything was coming together.

I am super pissed, because after much digging we uncovered an opportunity to solve a real problem for real people.  And we never even got the chance to fail.  My solemn vow with dressmeSue was always to take it to its "natural conclusion."  You know - something like: "the business model is crap", or "we have nowhere else to pivot", or "the competition crushed us"

To me, "not enough hours in the day" doesn't qualify as a natural conclusion.  We had good, thoughtful answers to the most difficult startup questions... business model, long term approach, marketing, team, etc.  To fold on such simple practicality seems like a waste.

Now if you'll excuse me while I go punch something.

Hey y'all!  I've decided to try learning to code my own prototype (or have fun failing).  To give some structure to it, I'm creating a syllabus right now.  Actually it's more like a syllaba-tecture.

This all started when @nealsales encouraged me to apply to @CodeAcademy.  I'd always resisted the idea of coding my own app because I was always in a hurry to launch.  Having done some java coding a long time ago, I knew it would take forever to get up to speed. 

But if I dropped the notion of launching soon, then everything changes.  What's the hurry anyway?  My startup is a mere experiment to be enjoyed -- and hurrying just sucks the fun right out.  What would be better than to have full control over my product iteration process during the tenuous pre-revenue stage?  Or worst case scenario I would pay someone to pair with me in the end.

My school is named "Clueless" because in a way it is crazy.  There are many commonly accepted reasons not to do it this way, including:  [1] you should focus on your strengths - software craftsmanship is no joke and takes a lifetime to learn properly  [2] the magic Gates/Allen paradigm (1 business co-founder + 1 technical co-founder)

I think these adages are in most cases correct.  However there is only one thing that trumps reason in my book:  instinct.  Every cell in my body is telling me I need to do this.  And so here I go.  A simple case of "follow your heart."

What I'd like to learn:  CSS, Rails, and Javascript.  Resources, advice, encouragement, suggestions, and more warnings -- all welcome!

UPDATE:  Some sage advice trickling in:

From @marcymarcy:

• Pick just ONE js library to start (jquery!!) ... and start version control early.
• Many would say Ruby first, Rails second.

I'm an obsessive person.  And so when I start going down an unknown path, it's easy to get lost in the exploration.  In startups, that means I've tended to get lost in the blogosphere, and other rabbit holes I shouldn't be broaching yet -- wasting precious time.

Being a first-time tech entrepreneur is one of the most ill-defined, ambiguous activities ever.  By the time you've worked for money, cleaned your house, and spent time with your family -- you probably have max 2-3 hours a day to produce something.  Here is something that helps inform my actions in any given minute:

Think in alignment with the next 10 years.

Read in alignment with the next 5 years.

Act in alignment with the next 1 year.

For me, any work on the startup is a luxury since I am technically not supposed to be working on it - I am in exhile from my own startup.  Don't squander the opportunities you are blessed with - to do the things you love.

This post was going to be about how I got caught up in the funding rat race -- and how in the end it was all just a waste of time.  Here are the beginnings of an outline, plus cryptic notes.  If you want to read this post, let me know!  I'll decode the cryptic notes for myself, then finish writing it.

The Race.  What it was like to attend office hours at Lightbank and Sandbox, two major funding forces in Chicago.

Timing.  There is a right time for everything:  customer development, various types of prototyping, funding, etc.  Once funding time comes, the right introductions will happen very fast.  But if you try to accelerate that process before your product is ready, then you'll have spent all that energy revving up only to come to a screeching halt.

Time.  Getting funding is a huge time suck - actually it's a full time job for one team member.  If you're a single founder, that means nothing happens with your product, your community, your code.  Nothing.  Do you really want to bring a tenuous prototype to a standstill just so you can go recruit someone who might end up being a pain in the ass?

Mark Suster's connect the dots phenomenon.  Another reason to do a kick ass job bootstrapping.  So investors can watch you grow from afar.  Think about friends' children you've watched grow up.  They're cute, they stumble, go through adolescence, get lost, develop wings, hit their stride, etc.  By the time they're mature, productive grown adults, you can totally vouch for them.  While they're growing, those children are not thinking "How can I impress this guy" - so why should you?

Equity.  Another reason why it just feels right to bootstrap for as long as possible.  20% is much better than 2%.

JFDI.  The magical potion to disappear your juvenile obsession with funding.

If you're a nobody then you're not equipped for world domination yet. Your job is to be happy.  Not like trying to be happy in order to get to world domination.  But just happy.

This was going to be Part 2 in a series describing my journey on this topic.  Kind of like my personal version of the seven stages of grief. 

In the end, I decided to try and code it myself to get more hands-on with various web technologies -- so I guess that would be Part 3.  To be sure it's not the most efficient way to do a startup, but at this point the only thing I value more than "success" is having fun.

Let me know if Part 2 or Part 3 sound like posts you want to read, and I'll go ahead and write them!

Cleaning out old drafts.  This was going to be Part 1 of a series documenting my journey through this strange phenomenon that's pervading startup community.  If you want to read this post, let me know and I'll write it.

It's been the most unexpected turn of events.

I'll start at the beginning.  Two years ago, I got bit by the startup bug and then proceeded through all manner of motions at entreprenuership.  One of my major mistakes was thinking one could do a startup on the side if one just worked hard enough.  I first tried to juggle the startup alongside a consulting biz.  Then shut down the biz in favor of a full-time contract job.  The job ended up being very stressful and demanding, with a 2 hour commute to boot.

Finally, I drew a line in the sand.  I left the job and after negotiations with hubby, arranged to go full boar on the startup for the month of June.  In that month, more progress was made than all previous 21 months combined.  I got serious about Lean Startup, conducted face-to-face customer interviews, refined my business model, identified an early evangelist audience, and landed a customer.

It's truly magical how Lean Startup works.  All of a sudden, I was out of the reality distortion field fog.  I could see the revenue model, how many customers were needed to break even, which marketing channels could be lined up... the business of getting business became clear and even achieveable.

There was only one problem.  As everything became doable, it then became measurable.  Including my work-to-pay ratio over the next two years.  Doing a startup was no longer a dream - it was a stark reality.  And I knew then:  the dream would need to go on hold.

You see, I'm not a young spring chickie just starting college.  I'm a 41 year old woman trying to satisfy the needs of a startup, paid work, a marriage, a mortgage, a 4-year-halted home remodeling job, a shit ton load of debt from a disastrous partnership, AND plans for motherhood.  Somehow, the morphing of my startup from a pipe dream into a reality jolted me out of denial.  I could see that trying to do everything had in fact prevented me from doing anything.

This thanks to the sublime experience of focusing on lean startup for one glorious month.

Divorcing myself from the startup was at first depressing.  The closest I may ever come to understanding a young mother forced to give up her baby.  But there are some things, like your health, that are the basic foundation of your existence.  Without it, you have nothing, and you can't do nothin'.  For me right now, the basics are creating a liveable home and cleaning up the finances for me, the hubby, and our future children.

Now you may think this is where I fade off the scene and become some blanket stereotype on women and startups.  Thoughts like this would be very wrong.  One of the huge advantages of being in your 40's is that you know exactly what you are and what you are not.  You know what it feels like to live under self-sabotage for years at a time.  You know what you want, and what you must do (and not do) to get it.  I know that I am unequivocably an entrepreneur.  This means that no matter what, it will leak out of me.

I know that I can still have it all.  But I can't get there by starting it all.  A home remodeling, a startup, an affiliate business, pregnancy -- that's 4 simultaneous early stage projects right there!  Any real entreprenuer knows that there is room enough for only one early stage at a time.  After you've passed a certain stage, then you can juggle and introduce more -- but not before.  During the next few months, I will spend most of my time generating pure hard cash, not on my startup.  The one exception will be for networking.  I will actively seek out entreprenuers and take part in the startup community.  I will continue to create value for my startup's customers and grow the community by managing the twitter feed and blog.  But I will not actively test landing pages, do solution interviews, test paper prototypes, search for co-founders, work on my pitch, start development or UX design, or pitch to angel investors.

(I'm declaring this laundry list partly so that you all can help me discipline my base startup desires.  If you see me going against what I've said -- please say something!)

I know that if the basics are handled now, then the rate of progress later on will be exponentially more than individual tasks I could attempt for my startup today.

And so that's the story of how Lean Startup jolted me out of insanity.  Thank goodness.  I mean, is there anything more insane than denial?  How much more time would I have piddled away satisfying no one?  Over and over you'll hear about how entrepreneurs need to be persistent.  But as with any startup adage, don't be afraid to question it.  You may think you are exhibiting tenacity when in fact you're just being stubborn and unrealistic.  Don't ignore your basic needs, and be smart about taking care of essential business now -- so that you'll be freed up later to create!

It should feel difficult, but doable.

Recently I found Ash Maurya's book Running Lean.  The entire first section of this book is devoted to Problem/Solution fit in a totally actionable way.  After doing the canvas exercise, conducting some customer interviews, and having a one-on-one session with Ash, things really clicked.

I can identify a few afflictions I unknowingly suffered until that point:

[1]  The first affliction was being a problem whore.  I was spreading my efforts across two problems thinking that was ok, even admirable.  My original problem, the problem that spurred me righteously into action 2 years ago, was what to wear.  However I soon discovered there was no viable solution within my means and expertise to solve the problem what to wear.  So I had started to focus on solving business problems in the fashion industry.  However instead of dropping problem #1, I secretly held onto it -- and treated problem #2 as a means to solve problem #1.

I guess you could also label this affliction stubbornness or ego.  But in truth it's also just cluelessness while learning a new way of thinking, which is why even smart people should seek regular qualified* advice.  After agreeing to serve only one master, I feel relieved.  I felt it was going against my startup's identity to switch the problem. But in the end I realized that my original problem was actually more of a mantra, or value, than a problem.

[2]  The second affliction is a direct consequence of the first.  Being confused about the business model.  Going into the phone call with Ash, I truly thought that my biggest problem executing lean startup was how to apply it to a marketplace model.  I had some crazy jacked up lean canvases that included buyers & sellers, each with wildly different problem sets -- plus canvases for sub groups.  What I found was that in fact I don't have a marketplace model at all -- it was just a part of being a problem whore.

On the phone call, Ash said something like "If Segment A has real work flow problems they are willing to pay to solve, it's better to pursue that than try to solve marketing problems for Segment B that require a larger marketplace.  You can always come back to that later, but solve the real stuff first."  I remember how hugely relieved I felt when he said this -- so much that I had to repeat it back him "So what you're saying is that I should build the business app first, and if I want to address my overall vision later I can.  And that's ok."  And although he didn't say it out loud I'm pretty sure his little head voice was saying "Duh, yes."

This bit of news was so enlightening that I said "Oh.  Well that's still difficult... but doable."  I have a feeling Ash doesn't laugh out loud too much, but I'm pretty sure I did hear a soft chuckle.  So in summary, this is what my litte head voice sounded like after achieving Problem/Solution fit:

Yeah, I can do this!  It's gonna be a shit ton load of work, and if I decide to boostrap then I'll be poor for a good couple years.  But.. this is actually doable...  HELL YEAH!  I mean, world domination doesn't have to happen right now all at once, does it?  I could do village domination.  Or even block domination!  God dammit - I could own the whole fucking block!  And that would allow me to be viable while hatching the big plan.  I GET IT!

I know you're thinking this is so obvious, but if you are a first-timer like me, chances are you have some form of clueless denial about your startup happening inside your head right now.  My perception of what I knew changed drastically when I went from reading about Lean Startup to actually doing Lean Startup.

My personal take is that if you're doing it right, achieving Problem/Solution fit should make you feel relieved.  Because you're no longer running around like a stupid headless lean startup junkie chicken.  You've seized upon your early adopters, a group that's too small for the big shots to care about.  Your competition now becomes anyone strange enough to work really hard for 2 blissful years with no pay.  But even those folks are too busy chasing the big shots.  So it feels like everyone but you has dropped out of the race.  And now all you have to do is finish.  That's what it feels like.

* qualified = coming from someone who has actually done it for themself.  Not a coach, dev shop, or a marketing agency.  An actual real life entreprenuer who has successfully created a profitable business model for their own enterprise using lean startup.